"Fae Date" by Andrew Nicolle

Fae Date

by Andrew Nicolle

Hilda ran her hand through her date’s hair as they sat together at the overlook. He slept, but she was sure he would soon wake. The cool morning air was already filled with birdsong and the distant sound of highway traffic. She supposed she could’ve crept away during the night, but she simply couldn’t resist finding out how this date would end. It had started pretty much the same as any other, but she’d soon realized this would definitely be one for the books.

The day before she’d been swiping idly through the dating app. Her sisters often berated her, declaring such apps to be nothing more than a sad meat market for freaks. In reply, she would grin mischievously and say those kind of people were exactly her type.

She’d been swiping left for what seemed like hours when she finally came across him. The guy had long black hair and a chiseled jaw, beard stubble, and piercing blue eyes. He looked like he’d been ripped straight from the cover of a romance novel.

An outdoorsman who liked to hike, rock-climb, and travel around the world, he was looking for a partner who appreciated nature as much as he did. He claimed to be a bodyguard, which piqued her curiosity. She messaged him and before too long they had organized a date at a local Irish pub.

Upon her arrival, she scanned the room for her date. The guy at the far end of the bar turned to look at her. Hilda was taken aback by his appearance. She was used to guys using years-old and fifty pounds lighter photos on their profiles, but he looked identical to his profile pic. He smiled and waved her over.

The following two hours passed in a blur, though that could’ve been partly due to the little something he’d slipped into her Guinness when she’d turned to glance up at the Winter Olympics skiing event playing on one of the many TVs above the bar. She played it cool and pretended she didn’t notice. When she turned back to her beer, she drained half the glass and her date gave an impressed thumbs-up.

“Your dating profile...” She paused for effect, squinting. “You guard bodies?”

He frowned. “You mean bodyguard?”

“Yesssh!” She said, purposefully slurring her speech. She hoped she wasn’t laying it on too thick. “You guard rich and famoush people?”

“Something like that,” he said. He looked amused, but there was a cold, calculating look in his eyes. “Listen, do you want to go somewhere else to relax?”

Hilda rolled off the bar stool and before she could fall to the floor, her date caught her under one arm. The barman glanced down at her. “You need a cab?”

Hilda waved him off and winked. “I’m good, but thanks!”

Mr. Bodyguard led her to his SUV and strapped her into the passenger seat. As he turned onto the highway, she asked where they were going. “Home,” was all he’d said, but she’d never told him where she lived.

While he drove, Hilda kept her eyes closed and pretended to sleep. She wondered just exactly what type of person she was dealing with? A regular run-of-the-mill creep who’d have his way with her, or maybe she’d been lucky enough to bag a human trafficker, or better yet, a serial killer? As it turned out, the correct answer was none of the above.

They eventually turned off the highway and traveled down a bumpy road before coming to an abrupt stop. He reached in and slung her over his shoulders in a fireman’s carry before gently lowering her to the ground some distance away. She felt his warm breath moments before his teeth sank into her neck. Hilda’s eyes snapped open. She’d have to act quickly now that she knew what she was up against.


While he fed, Hilda slapped him as hard as she could. He recoiled and stared at her in shock.

She wiped the already congealing blood from her neck and smiled. “I didn’t have vampires on my bingo card this evening!”

Mr. Bodyguard leapt at her with astonishing speed. Hilda reached into her back pocket and removed the small silver crucifix she kept there, jamming it into his left eyeball with a satisfying squelch. He staggered back, howling and clutching his wounded eye.

Hilda grabbed a handful of his flowing black locks and dragged him toward an overlook on the edge of the forest as he struggled ineffectually in her grasp. The path was dimly-lit, but she had no trouble seeing in the dark.

“My sweet, naive boy,” she said. “You have no idea what you’re dealing with. In about thirty seconds you’re going to vomit up my blood, and five minutes after that, every muscle in your body will turn to jelly.”

True to her word, he began violently vomiting as she dragged him up the hill. Ahead, she spotted the bench in the center of the overlook was surrounded by an iron railing. Hilda made a mental note not to get too close to the railing. She was allergic to such things.

Upon reaching the overlook, she lowered her quivering victim to the stone bench.

Hours later, as the sun’s first rays peeked over the horizon, her date’s one good eye snapped open wide and he turned to face her.

“What are you?” He rasped.

As his skin began to sizzle like bacon on a hot griddle, Hilda yawned and stretched, taking in the view of the treetops and the distant city on the horizon. This date hadn’t turned out half bad.

She turned back to her date, only to find he had been reduced to a pile of ash.

Hilda shrugged. “Let’s just say I’m not your type.”